I Want You To Go but I dont

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I want you to go, but I don’t want you to go.


Any job you have in this world, you want to do it well. My parents raised me with a strong work ethic and a strong reliance on the Lord.


Well, I medically retired from the Air Force 10 years ago now. I did that job the best I could and spent my 20’s in lots of desert areas and not so great places. When I retired, I felt gypped out of the rest of my career, but I still left with no regrets.


This all happened at the beginning of my journey of being a mom. I had fallen in love with the man of my dreams and his beautiful 6 year old daughter. They both grabbed my heart so fast that I barely caught my breath before I went from full-time Air Force to full-time wife and Mama.


So there I was, putting all of my energy and work ethic into building a family and being a wife to be proud of and a Mama of God loving children.


It was a difficult transition. I went from a job that gave awards, atta-boys, and promotions to a job that was never done. A job that was thankless. The housekeeping part of my job felt like the movie “Groundhogs Day” every day it was the same. The mothering part was fun, except when it wasn’t. I got to carve pumpkins, volunteer in the classroom, go to playgrounds, and the beach. There was so many fun things to do with my new instant family.


There was also grounding and discipline, rules to enforce, manners to teach, morals to hand down, never a dull moment, never a vacation day.


Then came infertility and the adoption of my four youngest kids. It turned into more work and more joy, and more work. All the while, I am ultimately trying to work myself out of a job. In the distant future I always knew that I want to produce God loving members of society.


Fast forwarding through all the drama and fun the 6 year old is now 17. She just graduated High School. We have a count down to college similar to the count down we use to have at the end of deployments 72 days and a wake up. Only this is not a deployment, this is my oldest going off to college to start her own adult life.


She’s going to a great Christian University. She wants to work for the Lord. She’s a great kid. As she has grown she is more than just my daughter, she is a friend. We talk, we argue, she proof reads my blogs; she is on a path to finding her way in this world, and it’s a good path.


Her father and I couldn’t be prouder, but it’s also so sad. Sad that this day has come. Sad that were counting down till she leaves and we need to be happy about it.


I want her to go. I want her to start her life as an adult. But just thinking of it makes me want to cry. I want her to stay close, but I want her to go.


Motherhood: the only job that when you finally catch your breath, you want to do it all over again.